Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The difference between being alone and being lonely

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Sometimes people will ask me if I get lonely because my husband is gone so much.  When people ask that, I start to reflect on the difference between "alone" and "lonely".

Because my husband is gone for at least 24 hours out of every 72, I spend a lot of time alone.  At least a third of the time, I go to bed without my husband and have the house all to myself.  I guess it could be a challenge for some folks.  I mean, when you get married, you're supposed to have a counterpart, right?

But really, it's not as unusual as you would think.  I mean, think about it, military spouses go to bed alone for months at a time when their loved one is deployed.  Husbands and wives that work different shifts may not sleep side by side for months or years at a time, a spouse traveling for business won't be by your side.  I think people only really wonder because our times apart are "scheduled", meaning we know for at least a year in advance the nights we won't be together (not counting, of course, overtime and trade shifts.)  I think it's also that whole overtime thing (now that I mention it).  When my husband picks up overtime, it doesn't mean he's gone for an extra 2, or 3, or even 8 hours...he's gone an extra day and night.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that "alone" and "lonely" are two very different things.  Alone is a state of being, a physical situation.  Lonely is a state of mind, a choice, almost an emotion.

I spend a lot of time alone, so I've learned how to fill that time up with things that interest me, keep me busy, or just allow me to have more time with my husband when he's home.  On his shift days, I clean house, do laundry, spend time with friends, go get my hair and nails done...just whatever it takes to stay busy and feel accomplished and satisfied with my use of the time and space.  And because I have that "me" time, I never feel like I'm missing out on time for myself.  It also helps me to make sure that in the time my husband is home, we get to spend time together, and not focusing on menial tasks, or feeling like we're just passing in the hallway as we do other things.

For me, "lonely" is more about lack of attention or lack of feeling loved.  I can be "lonely" in a crowded room.  Just because there is someone there, doesn't mean you feel like you have a companion or counterpart.

Do I get lonely, by that definition.....sometimes.  When my husband has picked up a lot of trade time or overtime, and I don't get to see him, I get lonely.  I need that recharge time for our relationship.  I need his attention and his time.  I need him to show me that I come first.

Thankfully, he's good at that.  Not all men are, regardless of their career.

I hear a lot of fire wives complaining about the amount of time they spend alone, and it baffles me.  Most of them married someone that either already was, or was in the process of becoming, a firefighter.  It's kind of what you signed up for.  It's hard sometimes not to say, "Suck it up sister, this is what it is."  But I think I really do understand.  It goes back to the difference between being alone, and being lonely.  These women aren't complaining that they have time alone, they are feeling lonely.  It's important that they learn to communicate the difference, and that their husbands learn to spend the time and attention it takes to make sure that even though they are gone a lot, their wives don't feel lonely.

I wonder if there's a class for that?  Maybe one of these fire training companies should come up with something like that....I bet the guys would sign up for it.  After all, it isn't just about putting out the fire, it's about having something to come home to when the smoke settles.  Maybe a course for wives would be a good idea, too.  I mean, somewhere, someone has to have figured out how to communicate with our firefighters, right?  Maybe we should just go old school, and use smoke signals.

So, when someone asks me if I get lonely, the answer is...sometimes.  Good thing my husband knows how to help me buffer against those times by making sure that I never feel like he's too far away, I'm always wrapped in his love.

Until later.................

1 comment:

  1. I agree wholeheartedly. The loneliest times in my life I was surrounded by people, busy as can be. And yet it's in my alone time in which I recharge, find myself again, achieve balance.

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